A Noisy Mind

A heart in pause, a mind in motion, and a year of figuring it out. One word at a time

I haven't written about anything real in a long time—not a single poem, not a single article airing my feelings—and to be honest, I don't know why. Life has been giving me a show, though not a very pleasant one. If I’m being honest, this year hasn’t been the best. In fact, it’s been the worst. I can say I was only sincerely, wholeheartedly happy in September. Every other month came with its own kind of medicine, one that often left me in tears and crying on the toilet floor. At some point, I lost it—I lost how to cry, I lost how to smile. It’s almost as if I became immune to emotions.

So why am I writing this article? I sincerely don’t know. My hand felt the urge to rant, and my heart has missed pouring out its feelings from the drum. It’s quite hot tonight, though, and cold at the same time. I guess Harmattan is knocking on my door—my least favorite season of the year. Yay. It sucks. I’m not even exactly sad. I’m not sad in the slightest. I’m…what do you call that word…uhm, numb? Not sad, not happy? Oh yeah—“Equanimity.” And yes, I just learned a new word, and I’m pretty sure you just did too. Or did you already know it? Ehn?

I’m working on a lot of things, though, but you’ll have to wait until next year to see and hear them, my love. Be patient, my love. Paciencia y Fe—that means patience and faith. Sometimes, you just have to trust that things will turn out well in the end. Life has its little tricks, so Sabr (patience). I’ve taught you so many new words today, haven’t I? You’re welcome—it’s my contribution to society.

What else do I want to say? Oh yeah—I’m on a journey. A journey of faith. A journey of improving myself and my mental health. A journey of learning new things, seeing life from a fresh perspective, and finding new friends and communities. Did I mention I graduated high school already? I bet I did, but maybe you don’t remember. Or wait…didn’t I? Well, I graduated this year. And like I said, I’m on a journey. That journey is called a gap year. IKRAM TOOK A GAP YEAR!! What can I say?

On this journey, I’m going to take what belongs to Caesar, run faster than my shadow, bite more than I can chew, eat my cake and have it, give thanks to my Rabb (Lord), gather all that glitters and take the gold, and cut cloth wey pass my size—because there’s no limit to what I can do, and the sky is only just the beginning.

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk. Alla prossima, mi amore—that’s Italian for until next time, my love. Ciao (that means bye, too).