an half and an inch

just a little bit

I don’t think i was meant to be one person.

i think i was meant to be a series of ‘almost’

almost loved. almost chosen. almost seen clearly enough to be held without explanation.

theres something wrong with the way i exist, i slip slightly out of alignment with the moment i’m in. feels like everyone is standing on the ground and i’m..half an inch above, watching.

i learned quite early that if you smile at the right time. people don’t notice that you’re not really there.

so i kinda perfected it.

i became the easy one,

the funny (a master of dry jokes) one

the one who understands everything before it’s said and ask for nothing in return.

but inside of me, i was collecting fractures.

tiny. invisible.

i realised, one day, i couldn’t remember what it felt like to be fully present in my own life. everything feels cinematic.

and i think i started to like it.

because when you’re not fully there, nothing can really hurt you. people can leave and it would only just feel like a scene ending, barely life changing. love can miss you, and you can pretend you were never standing in its path.

but then, there are moment. sharp. unbearable. they remind you that you’re still a human regardless. moments that breakthrough, that look that lingers, that voice that says your name and for a moment, feels like it means something. a silence that feels so full of you.

and suddenly, you’re back. too present. too aware. too alive

i start to feel my heartbeat in places i didn’t even know existed. mu chest becomes something i have to carry instead of something i live inside. i remember, all at once, that i want things too. real things.

an ache for loving. an ache for winning. to be chosen. to be stayed for. to be looked at like i’m impossible to not be loved. and oh God, it terrifies me.

the moment i become real, i become breakable. so i do what i know how to do best.

i step half and inch away again

i blur

i soften

i disappear enough to survive

and no one notice. they just say “omg, you’re so easy to be with” and i smile widely, because ofcourse i am.

I’m barely even here.